Hello, Campus Splashers! I’m in the Detroit airport right now, on my way to a college comedy show at a school in New Hampshire. I already know the show is going to start late, because they always start late; in the last four years I can’t remember a college show ever starting a time. That’s because most college students are 5-10 minutes late to whatever event they’re attending. And that’s perfect! A consistent lack of punctuality is an excellent skill to develop if you don’t want to work anywhere for very long.
But it’s also only the beginning. There are plenty of other things I know will happen tonight that are fantastic techniques to use in the workplace as well. Who knew my comedy shows could be such good practice for the working world?
Are you ready? Here we go!
Text Your Friends Throughout the Entire Show!
Oops! Did I say ‘show’? I meant ‘meeting.’ Bosses love this.
Walk Out in the First Five Minutes!
I’ve talked to literally hundreds of other comedians, and we all agree that approximately 5% of our audiences will decide we suck and walk out of our show before we’ve hit our third joke. Quitting something before you’ve given it a real chance is a much sought-after quality in young employees these days, and you can bet that headhunters and other executive recruiters will soon be beating down your door!
Show Up Drunk!
Need I say more?
I’ll be able to sleep well tonight, knowing that I’m helping to train a generation of tardy, disinterested, intoxicated workers. Which is exactly what we need if we want to keep our pre-eminence in a global economy. Go America!